Melody M. Lowman, M.A.

So often they way something is said makes a difference in how a child or teen responds.  I recommend that a parent not ask “why” something happened when it doesn’t make any difference.  After all, what is the point of asking “why” the child spilled the milk.  The child spilled the milk because he or she was wiggling or reaching and not paying attention.  Pick up the glass and hand the child some paper towels.  Consider if the child is uncomfortable in his or her chair, or needs a smaller, lighter cup or glass, or if the child is being asked to sit still for too long for his age.

On the other hand, sometimes it can be very helpful to ask a child or teen to help you understand their thinking in making a mistake or a bad decision.  If you sincerely want to understand your child, asking them to help you understand how they came to make the mistake can open up communication that will allow you to guide their decision-making the next time they face a similar situation.

Key point:  “Why” can make children (and adults) defensive.  A sincere request to “help you understand” can open communication.

Parents often tell me they have tried star charts and reward methods, but “they don’t work.”  As they describe in more detail what they have tried we come to realize that the method was missing some key elements.

Next time you want to help your child learn a desired behavior try this more detailed approach:  First, stand back and really observe your child.  Around whom does this behavior occur, and around whom does it not occur.  What exactly is the behavior and what behavior would you like instead.  When does the behavior occur?  Morning, late afternoon, after a night with insufficient sleep?  Where does the behavior occur?  In the car, in the supermarket, in the toy store?  Why might the behavior be occurring?  How often does it occur per hour, day or week?

Do you need to make any changes to help the child be successful, such as removing tempting fragile articles, running the last errand another day, or getting the child to bed on time?  Once you have thought these preventive changes through then alter the antecedents to the misbehavior to see if the problem is reduced.  If you do not see enough improvement identify a reward system that reenforces positive behavior.  I prefer to reward a child with individual time and attention rather than material rewards, but earing points toward a material reward is sometimes useful.  I never take away points or rewards because children can feel discouraged and defeated and give up trying.  I recommend that negative consequences be related to the misbehavior.  For example, taking away markers that a child has used on walls or furniture is logical and related.  Taking away television for calling a sibling a name is not.

When you set up a reward system try it for a short time to see if it works before instituting it as a policy.  The reward system was originally designed as a substitute for corporal punishment.  When used systematically it can be very, very effective.  It was not designed to last forever, but rather to instill new, positive habits.

A good example of using this method is for keeping young children in their own beds at night.  As the parent finishes the bedtime story, he or she reminds the child that when they stay in their own bed until the big hand is on the 7 then they can come into the parent bedroom for an extra snuggle and a short story.  If they come in during the night they will be silently walked back to their room and they will get a quick snuggle but no story.  The consequence is positive, logical and related.

Key Point:  Behavioral methods work well when they are well thought-out.

The National Sleep Foundation recommends 10-11 hours of sleep for children 5-12.  Teenagers need between 9 and 10 hours, but often don’t get even 8 hours.   Using computers during the hour before lights out causes interference with the brain waves of restful sleep.  Sleeping in a room where electronic devices give off signals when calls, texts and e-mails come in further disrupt sleep.  Consider a family policy of turning electronic devices off an hour before bedtime.  Everyone, including parents will feel better, be healthier, and be in better moods if they get enough sleep.

Key Point:  Sufficient sleep is essential for good health and good behavior (for children and adults)

The word “abuse” comes from the root words for “misuse.”  Many parents ask me what exactly is verbal abuse.  Parents don’t have to be quiet and “nicey-nicey” all the time.  Healthy family members can get angry and express anger at and to each other.

Certain kinds of expression of anger do harm to the recipient of the anger and to the relationship.  Apologizing later, but verbally  abusing again makes the apology meaningless.

Verbal abuse is:

name-calling

shaming

humiliating

devaluing

dismissing

hurtful teasing

predicting failure (also called forecasting)

What is the alternative to verbal abuse?  Take a deep breath; take a few moments or minutes to calm down and then speak for and about yourself.

“I am very angry that you dumped all your toys out of the toy box.  I want you to put them back.  As soon as the toys are put back in the box we can go to the park.”

Key ideas:  Being a family member is no excuse to verbally abuse someone.  Being a family member is no excuse to allow someone to abuse you.

Discipline is the control that comes from parental guidance and leadership that allows the child to develop optimal self-control.  Authoritarian parenting often results in either rebellion or lack of self-confidence.  Passive parenting often results in children who lack internal structure.  Authoritative parenting provides guidelines and skills for life and usually produces the best results for most children.

Key idea: The goal of parental discipline is to help the child develop self-discipline.

If you give yourself permission to lose control because you are angry, you teach your children that they can lose control when they are angry.

Key idea:  Your children learn from your behavior whether you want them to or not.

Inevitably, we will need to have difficult conversations with our children.  Truth is the best policy.  Telling the truth encourages them to tell us the truth, and encourages them to trust you!

Some examples:

“Grampa was very, very sick.  The doctors and nurses tried hard to make him get well but he was too sick and he died.  I know you and I will really miss him. We will not see him any more except his pictures but he will be in our hearts forever.”

“Mommy and Daddy have had a very hard time trying to solve problems together.  We just can’t agree and solve those grown-up problems so we have decided to get a divorce.”  “We will always take care of you and be your mommy and daddy, but we won’t live in the same house anymore but you will still have time with both of us.”

“I know you want new clothes for the new school year.  I’m sorry, because I would like for you to have some, but I don’t have a job yet, so we don’t have enough money for new clothes right now.”  “Let’s go through your clothes and see what fits and we can do to fix up what you have.”

Key idea:  Express sympathy, empathy and tell the truth, at an age appropriate level.

Every child can benefit from the influence of a good father, or good father-figure.

Children who have a father or father-figure who pays attention to them have a stronger belief in their own ability to control and determine their own fates.  They score higher on tests.  They have higher self-esteem

Girls who have a father or father-figure who pays attention to them feel more affirmed as females which delays early sexual experimentation. (If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will)

How to you pay attention?  Put down the newspaper when your child talks to you.  Turn off the TV, close the laptop.  Play a game of your child’s choice.  Leave a note for your child when you travel.  Send them an e-mail or a text.  Tell them about something you are  doing or are interested it, in an age-appropriate way.

My beloved father used to leave me or mail me rebus notes when he was on a business trip.  When I thought I wanted to be dentist in the ’50’s when there were few women in dentistry, he brought home a plastic dental kit.  I still have parts of it today.  He drove me to high school almost every day and discussed things I was interested it.

Key idea:  Parents, especially the less available parent, need to make sure they take care of the relationship with their children, and not just the discipline.