Melody M. Lowman, M.A.

The National Sleep Foundation recommends 10-11 hours of sleep for children 5-12.  Teenagers need between 9 and 10 hours, but often don’t get even 8 hours.   Using computers during the hour before lights out causes interference with the brain waves of restful sleep.  Sleeping in a room where electronic devices give off signals when calls, texts and e-mails come in further disrupt sleep.  Consider a family policy of turning electronic devices off an hour before bedtime.  Everyone, including parents will feel better, be healthier, and be in better moods if they get enough sleep.

Key Point:  Sufficient sleep is essential for good health and good behavior (for children and adults)

The word “abuse” comes from the root words for “misuse.”  Many parents ask me what exactly is verbal abuse.  Parents don’t have to be quiet and “nicey-nicey” all the time.  Healthy family members can get angry and express anger at and to each other.

Certain kinds of expression of anger do harm to the recipient of the anger and to the relationship.  Apologizing later, but verbally  abusing again makes the apology meaningless.

Verbal abuse is:

name-calling

shaming

humiliating

devaluing

dismissing

hurtful teasing

predicting failure (also called forecasting)

What is the alternative to verbal abuse?  Take a deep breath; take a few moments or minutes to calm down and then speak for and about yourself.

“I am very angry that you dumped all your toys out of the toy box.  I want you to put them back.  As soon as the toys are put back in the box we can go to the park.”

Key ideas:  Being a family member is no excuse to verbally abuse someone.  Being a family member is no excuse to allow someone to abuse you.

Discipline is the control that comes from parental guidance and leadership that allows the child to develop optimal self-control.  Authoritarian parenting often results in either rebellion or lack of self-confidence.  Passive parenting often results in children who lack internal structure.  Authoritative parenting provides guidelines and skills for life and usually produces the best results for most children.

Key idea: The goal of parental discipline is to help the child develop self-discipline.

If you give yourself permission to lose control because you are angry, you teach your children that they can lose control when they are angry.

Key idea:  Your children learn from your behavior whether you want them to or not.

Inevitably, we will need to have difficult conversations with our children.  Truth is the best policy.  Telling the truth encourages them to tell us the truth, and encourages them to trust you!

Some examples:

“Grampa was very, very sick.  The doctors and nurses tried hard to make him get well but he was too sick and he died.  I know you and I will really miss him. We will not see him any more except his pictures but he will be in our hearts forever.”

“Mommy and Daddy have had a very hard time trying to solve problems together.  We just can’t agree and solve those grown-up problems so we have decided to get a divorce.”  “We will always take care of you and be your mommy and daddy, but we won’t live in the same house anymore but you will still have time with both of us.”

“I know you want new clothes for the new school year.  I’m sorry, because I would like for you to have some, but I don’t have a job yet, so we don’t have enough money for new clothes right now.”  “Let’s go through your clothes and see what fits and we can do to fix up what you have.”

Key idea:  Express sympathy, empathy and tell the truth, at an age appropriate level.

Every child can benefit from the influence of a good father, or good father-figure.

Children who have a father or father-figure who pays attention to them have a stronger belief in their own ability to control and determine their own fates.  They score higher on tests.  They have higher self-esteem

Girls who have a father or father-figure who pays attention to them feel more affirmed as females which delays early sexual experimentation. (If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will)

How to you pay attention?  Put down the newspaper when your child talks to you.  Turn off the TV, close the laptop.  Play a game of your child’s choice.  Leave a note for your child when you travel.  Send them an e-mail or a text.  Tell them about something you are  doing or are interested it, in an age-appropriate way.

My beloved father used to leave me or mail me rebus notes when he was on a business trip.  When I thought I wanted to be dentist in the ’50’s when there were few women in dentistry, he brought home a plastic dental kit.  I still have parts of it today.  He drove me to high school almost every day and discussed things I was interested it.

Key idea:  Parents, especially the less available parent, need to make sure they take care of the relationship with their children, and not just the discipline.

Consider the Antecedents to a misbehavior.  Did the child sleep less last night?  Did you try to run one more errand after picking up a tired child from daycare?  Did the playdate last too long?  Many misbehaviors are preventable!

Consider the Behavior.  Does the child know that it hurts the dog to poke its eye? Or does she need an explanation of how to gently touch. I believe that everyone deserves and explanation before or instead of a scolding.

Consider the Consequences.  If you sometimes say he may not have a sweet before dinner and sometimes you give in, then you accidentally communicate to the child that you might be persuaded to give in.  Be consistent.

Key idea: Make every misbehavior an opportunity for learning for you and teaching for your child.