Melody M. Lowman, M.A.

Saturday morning Paul was building a Lego tower with his son Will. Paul loves being a dad and treasures these playtimes with Will. Will was delighted to be building a tall blue tower with his dad. Will had created quite a tall blue tower of Legos. Playfully, Paul topped off the tower with a yellow Lego, stating that it was a powerful light that would keep airplanes from hitting the tower and knocking it down. Will began to wail, “NO, NO, NO! It is a blue tower. NO YELLOW!”

Scenario 1-Paul was surprised, but only wanted to please Will, so he took the yellow Lego off the tower. Will calmed down and they continued to build with Legos. What did Will learn? He learned that if he yelled and cried, that playmates would do what he wanted, sometimes and sometimes they would not want to play with him.

Scenario 2-Paul was surprised, and wanted to please Will, but understood that when he played with Will he was teaching him how to play with others. Paul gently explained that he was pretending that he didn’t want airplanes to run into the great blue tower. Will had the idea of a blue tower and Dad had the idea of a light on top. When you play with others everyone gets to have ideas to contribute. What did Will learn? He learned that if he agreed to let the yellow Lego remain, they would continue to play together. He learned give and take. He learned “We vs Me” when you work or play with others. Paul complimented Will on cooperating, and they continued to build more than just a tower of Legos.

But what if Will continued to yell and cry, and demand that the yellow Lego be removed? Paul knew how important it is for Will to learn to play with others. Paul calmly removed the yellow Lego from the tower, explaining to Will that it seemed like Will wanted to play by himself and that he would go and start preparing dinner. Playing with his dad is a special time for Will and he felt disappointed. He experienced a negative consequence, but was not punished. Will needed to learn to play with others. He might call his dad back and agree to the yellow “light” or he might play by himself, while missing the companionship of his dad. If Paul had chosen to punish his son, Will would have been hurt and angry, but would not have learned from experiencing missing his dad as a playmate.

Moral of the Yellow Lego Story: Play with your children so they learn to play with others.

Play by the rules the game starts with. Move your own markers. End the game if someone cheats. Role model sharing and give and take. Playing with your child should make him happy in the short run, but teaching your child to be a good playmate is parenting for the long run.

I dedicate this article to Joan and Roxanne who took care of my daughter and Mrs. B. who took care of my son.
An excellent childcare provider is a treasure: valuable and hard to find. We entrust our children to a nanny hoping for the best combination of Mary Poppins and Dr. Spock, the pediatrician, not the half-Vulcan science officer. Traditionally, a nanny is a trained childcare professional. Americans tend to call long-term babysitters Nannies, and this leads to confusion for both parents and caregivers, who might have little background in child development.
I hope to offer some suggestions to parents as well as childcare providers to make the relationship as good as possible.
Parents need to very clear about how they want their child to be cared for.
They also need to be very clear that they are employers. They must define their expectations of their employee, and communicate those expectations to the employee. When there are two parents, the parents must agree on the expectations. The parents need to define the role, the hours and the compensation of the childcare provider, preferably in writing.
Parents need to communicate to the caregiver what their family’s rules and values are. Should the baby be picked up when she cries? Should he be given a pacifier? Is the toddler allowed to have candy or soda or dried fruit? Do you want the child to watch television or play with the I-phone? How long is the child supposed to nap?
Is the caregiver allowed to make and receive personal phone calls or guests during working hours? Try to imagine possible situations and provide clear expectations. What are the family rules and how are they to be enforced? In two-parent families if the parents give the caregiver different guidance, the caregiver needs to clarify expectations immediately. What, exactly, is the caregiver supposed to do in an emergency.
Traditionally nannies are responsible for childcare and household responsibilities directly related to the children. for example, preparing and cleaning up after children’s meals, but not the family meals. Another example is cleaning up after children’s play, but not general housecleaning. I find that this traditional division of responsibilities is effective in keeping the caregiver focused on the needs of the children. Parents should also clearly communicate to the caregiver and to the children if the children are expected to participate in cleaning up after themselves.
Childcare providers must use good judgement in caring for children, but parents and caregivers need to understand that there might be cultural or other differences in up-bringing that can lead to differences in judgement between parents and caregivers. As in most employment situations the employee should be allowed to express opinions and preferences, but the final decision must rest with the employer, the parent.
The childcare provider should promptly communicate to the parents, any concerns about the health or behavior of the child. The behavior should be communicated as a description rather than a characterization: “Eleanor said, ‘no’, many times when I told her to wash her hands,” as opposed to “Eleanor was rude and defiant.” “Robbie wants to eat his salad with his hands rather than with a fork. How do you want that handled?”
Parents and caregivers must always treat each other with courtesy. Children must be taught to treat the caregiver with courtesy, as not as their personal servant. Parents and caregivers should communicate with children clearly, consistently, calmly and concisely, and of course, courteously.
Ideally parents and caregivers should maintain a professional relationship with each other. Sharing marital concerns and other personal matters with each other can jeopardize the continuation of the caregiving relationship.
All of these suggestions come down to two main principles: the parent and childcare provider need to establish and maintain an employer/employee relationship, and both parents and childcare provider must continuously be committed to quality communication. The more these principles are adhered to the more likely the relationship will be a successful and lasting one.

“Sort of” using a behavioral change plan to help your child develop good habits is “sort of” like being on a diet.  And it works about as well.

Once you commit to helping your child learn a good habit you need to help the child by being clear what you want him to do, be consistent and be positive when he does what you want him to do.

Children do not tend to develop good habits from being punished for a bad habit.  Show your child what you want.  Find out what is getting in the way of the child using the new habit. Give positive feedback as the child attempts the new habit.  Focus on changing one habit at a time.  If you try to change several things at once, it is unlikely that any of the habits will be learned.

Many parents believe that team sports are necessary for their children. Sports are valuable for physical health and coordination. Research does not support the idea that team sports are inherently better than individual sports for children. Many children thrive by participating in individual sports.
Other things to consider as you make choices regarding your child’s participation in sports: make sure the coach emphasizes safety and sportsmanship over winning, allow your child to participate as a recreational athlete and not become competitive until he or she is emotionally ready. If a child chooses a sport, consider allowing him or her to have one or two private lessons before beginning group lessons or joins a team. This allows the child to gain confidence and decide whether to continue or not, before making a commitment to a group. Once a commitment is made, consider requiring the child to finish out the season or series, as long as the program is well-run. Finally, research by i9 Sports found that as many as one third of children wish their parents would not attend their athletic events because they are uncomfortable with their parents yelling and pressuring them.
Key idea: Require good sportsmanship of your child, and yourself.

Children learn habits more quickly if they do their tasks in the same order all the time. For example, in the morning: toileting, washing hands and face, putting on clothes, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, in that order but television, toys or computer time would only be allowed after the list of responsibilities is completed. It takes about a month of repetition for a habit to be changed. Another habit for you consider for your family would be for each object to have a “home.” For example, shoes have a home in a shoe rack in the closet. The parental message would be: “Shoes can be on your feet or in their home.”
A habit that many families have found very helpful is: “The speaker goes to the listener.” Many times families call to each other from one room to another and then argue or scold if the request is not followed or if a message is misunderstood. If the person who wishes to speak goes to the person to whom he wishes to speak, then they can get the attention of the listener, make eye contact and deliver a clear message.
Key idea: Help children develop habits so you don’t have to nag or remind them.

When a child misbehaves most parents reprimand the child.  Hopefully parents also explain to their child what behavior is expected.  But what happens if, after several incidents, reprimands and explanations, your child is still misbehaving in the same way?  I have a suggestion:  anticipate to prevent.  Therapists use the ABC”s: antecedent, behavior, consequence.  Parents usually use behavior-consequence, but parents have the most leverage in the antecedent stage. Begin by identifying a problem behavior that has happened at least three times.  Think about who, what, when, where and why.  Around whom does the behavior usually occur?  What, actually, is the problem behavior?  When is it most likely to happen?  Where is it most likely to happen? Now, why do you think the child is misbehaving?  If the child misbehaves around one person, but not another, perhaps the rules are inconsistent.  If the child misbehaves early in the morning, maybe she isn’t getting enough sleep, or needs to be awakened earlier so you don’t have to rush her to get ready.  If the child is misbehaving in the car, does he need non-messy toys to amuse him so he doesn’t make mischief.  Finally, “prep” or “preload” your child with a reminder of the behavior that you desire, and how pleased you will be when he does it.

Key idea:  Anticipation and prevention is more effective than reacting after misbehavior.

So often they way something is said makes a difference in how a child or teen responds.  I recommend that a parent not ask “why” something happened when it doesn’t make any difference.  After all, what is the point of asking “why” the child spilled the milk.  The child spilled the milk because he or she was wiggling or reaching and not paying attention.  Pick up the glass and hand the child some paper towels.  Consider if the child is uncomfortable in his or her chair, or needs a smaller, lighter cup or glass, or if the child is being asked to sit still for too long for his age.

On the other hand, sometimes it can be very helpful to ask a child or teen to help you understand their thinking in making a mistake or a bad decision.  If you sincerely want to understand your child, asking them to help you understand how they came to make the mistake can open up communication that will allow you to guide their decision-making the next time they face a similar situation.

Key point:  “Why” can make children (and adults) defensive.  A sincere request to “help you understand” can open communication.